Vagenda's Beaver Lodge

A Plethora of Pussy, Worked and/or Otherwise

2011-11-23T23:31:00.006-05:00

Thank God for the "Cloud!" Where else could you find dozens of fierce remixes for Sweet Pussy Pauline's legendary female empowerment track, "Work This Pussy"? (Well, there's also the fabulous Spotify, among others, but in this case, SoundCloud really hits pussy pay dirt.)

http://soundcloud.com/search?q[fulltext]=Work+This+Pussy

Among my many favorites is this fabulously fun new remix:

http://soundcloud.com/b-ames/hello-little-kitty-cat-ha

Of course, the 2 Live Crew "Chant 4 Pussy" mix by Ellis D lives on in pure unadulterated infamy as well. And, if you can find these rare gems -- "Work This Pussy" mashed up with Danny Tenaglia's "Elements" or "French Kiss" by Lil Louis, and the ultimate bitch track of them all, "Relentlessly Cunty" -- lap 'em up, honey. Werq (dis Pussy), indeed!

B.C. Beaver Love

2011-11-18T22:15:00.002-05:00

In honor of the birthplace of my beaver infatuation, my good friend Ian created this demo poster showcasing my fabulous new slogan for the fabulous ski resort of Whistler Blackcomb in British Columbia, Canada:

T-shirts and assorted other memorabilia will surely sell like hotcakes, dontcha think?

Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Beaver

2011-10-21T20:53:00.003-04:00

It may be a shameless clone of uber-popular iPhone app Angry Birds, but Beaver's Revenge is still a fun and essential download for all beaver game enthusiasts. And boy, are these beavers pissed!

"The lumberjacks have invaded the beaver's home again. Now it is time to strike back and get ... Revenge!!! The beavers and their forest friends are out to teach the lumberjacks a lesson. You can fling a fish, launch a skunk, toss a rabbit and more!!"

Fun for the whole semi-aquatic rodent family, and others.

Word of the Day: Twerk

2011-10-08T20:00:00.018-04:00

Everyone likes big butts,* and now we may finally know why, thanks to the latest dance craze to hit America in which amply endowed women "twerk it" in what can best be described by a few core lyrics:

I shake this ass side to side I shake it everywhere/Make it vibrate got this ass going everywhere.

Clearly inspired by Sir Mix-A-Lot's bottom enthusiast anthem in the 90s, "Baby Got Back", this rump-shaking, booty-busting shimmy is an update on the theme, and is masterfully illustrated by recording artist Lady in this salacious video for her aptly titled single, "Twerk" (available on iTunes via link):

Another sampling of Lady's more florid lyrics:

And when I'm in a split I can make this ass jump/
I make this ass jump every time the beat bump/
Now for the grand finale I saved the best for last/
You know it's head down pussy popping hand stand

While I wish the gaga-free Lady nothing but success with her budding career, and thank her deeply for courageously sharing her God-given assets and the many talents they have fostered with the world, I'd like to leave you with some of the many memorable lyrics from "Baby Got Back." Feel free to share your own in the comments section.

She's sweat, wet, got it going like a turbo 'Vette
My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hon
She gotta pack much back/shake that healthy butt
Cosmo ain't got nothin' to do with my selection/
36/24/36? Ha ha. Only if you's 5'3!

___________________
* Based solely on anecdotal evidence provided mainly by rap artists and the women they date and/or those who star in their rap videos. More conclusive scientific studies proving the widespread popularity of big butts is surely forthcoming.

Beaver Pirate Sentenced to "Copyright School"

2011-10-07T12:45:00.001-04:00

Sorry I've been away from the blog for so long! I know you're just itching for your beaver fix, so let's jump right in.

Back in April, my favorite website Gawker alerted us to Google's fun new campaign to help curb copyright infringement on it's YouTube site by sentencing violators to "copyright school":

Copyright school consists of watching an animated PSA (above) explaining YouTube's copyright policies, then passing a quiz to prove you were paying attention. If you don't pass, you can't upload anymore videos. Ostensibly this is to educate violators to keep them from screwing up again, but in reality it's all about humiliating adults by making them watch cartoon rabbits explain piracy. Unfortunately, there's no little certificate you can send away for and hang on the wall of your office.

Russell, the oblivious lime-green beaver pirate (look, he even has a hook for a right hand!) featured in the video, learns a very important lesson when, after posting a video online of his special needs moose friend's new movie, "Lumpy & The Lumpettes," his YouTube account is suspended, and he is threatened with the possibility of being banned for life if he commits any more violations. Oh no!

Viewers are then given a 2-minute crash course on how to avoid such a tragedy. Finally, perhaps as a menacing metaphor to illustrate just how bad life would be without YouTube -- or maybe just one mind-fuck of a plot twist not seen since The Sixth Sense -- we watch in horror as recent copyright school graduate Russell is viciously attacked by the trio of piranha he was inexplicably juggling from inside a cannon just seconds before the cannon misfired, sending him blasting through the hull of his pirate ship and into the water below where the offending fish savagely ripped the flesh from the poor little beaver's bones and ate him for dinner.

Wow! I have to say, I didn't see that one coming. Maybe M. Night Shyamalan really was involved in this after all (see also, the 10,509 "dislikes" registered thus far). Also involved, maybe LSD.

So to clarify: Don't violate copyrights by posting unauthorized videos on YouTube, or you might risk not being able to ever violate said copyrights on YouTube in the future. That, or you might die at the fins of some ill-tempered man-eating fish that you once molested, while tripping on acid. Either way, just play it safe and follow the law, dam-it. And be kind to beavers.

Santa Ate My Pussy -- Vagina Awareness PSA!

2010-12-26T19:34:00.002-05:00

Don't worry if you can't quite understand her either, the "lyrics" are helpfully included in the comments of the YouTube posting!

This is a vagina (pussy) awareness public service announcement; this is one of the songs that I have written. I hope that you enjoy listening to it.

Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry wet vagina
Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry pussy time
Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry wet vagina
Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry pussy time
Smell of penis in the air,
smell of pussy every where
Smell of sex in the air,
We are gonna doggie and missionary

Santa give me your penis,
I'm gonna give you my pussy
Smell of sex in the air,
We gonna doggie and missionary

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
Your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shake your bum bum,
Shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shake your bum bum

Okay! Santa, come over here,
Fuck my pussy
Fuck my pussy,
Fuck my pussy
Fuck it hard,
Fuck it hard
Fuck it hard,
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
Santa, fuck my pussy deeper, deeper, deeper, faster, harder

I love your penis; it's big, it's long, it's hard,
Thank you, Santa
Ah, ah, all right

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Majela... queen of sex, queen of commando, queen of pussy
Go girl, ah, ah, ah
Santa, penetrate deep, fuck me harder, fuck my pussy,
Santa, merry Christmas
Fuck me harder, harder, harder, harder, harder!
Eh! yeah

Oh, merry, merry Christmas,
Merry wet vagina
Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry pussy time
Smell of penis in the air,
Smell of pussy everywhere
Smell of sex in the air,
We gonna doggie and missionary

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Santa, pussy eater!

Underground Beavers

2010-12-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

The Astor Place subway station beaver mural in New York City:

According to Wikipedia, "the Astor Place station is decorated with large ceramic beaver emblems, representing the beaver pelts that helped make John Jacob Astor wealthy."

Elsewhere in Manhattan, at the Christopher Street Sheridan Square station, everyone's favorite semi-aquatic rodent is featured a little less prominently in another mural:

As the official State Animal of New York, these are appropriate but far too rare tributes to nature's greatest engineers.

The Smoking Beaver

2010-12-16T19:54:00.001-05:00

'Nuff said.

Special thanks to the incomparable DJ Billy Carroll, a tireless beaver blog supporter and cherished friend, for passing along this gem.

Smoked beaver, the other white meat.

Camel Toe Implants

2010-12-01T00:49:00.003-05:00

Small start-up cashes in on
Camel Toe fad

http://www.deadseriousnews.com/?p=88

Money Quotes:

Labia implants are the new breast implants. Collagen injections simply don’t work on the other set of lips.”, Larry Depp states gleefully.

“You are never too old or too young to have a Camel Toe that will be the envy of every other woman on the beach.”, Depp added.

What WILL they think of next?!?!

Justin Beaver

2010-10-20T21:38:00.004-04:00

Residents of the Bronx have apparently named their river's newly discovered second resident beaver after Justin Bieber, according to the New York Post (via Gawker).

"A beaver found living in the Bronx River has, after a contest, been named Justin Beaver, an homage to Canadian pop sensation Justin Bieber," according to Gawker. "And thus marks the last time Bieber will ever be associated with anything beaver-related."

Related post: Jose, the Bronx River Beaver.

Beaver Break

2010-07-08T22:53:00.003-04:00

Beaver Blog is on hiatus for the summer.

Please stay tuned...

World's Largest Beaver Dam Discovered!

2010-05-07T23:53:00.005-04:00

No, not Pamela Anderson! Altheaux the record-breaking dam is cuntveniently located in her home cuntry of Canada.

Slightly shy of Ms. Anderson's rumoured last reported measurements, the dam is apparently a half-mile long, visible from space, took two decades to build and can be found in Canada's most populous and fastest growing "prairie province," Alberta.

Check it out via Google Maps. "Dancing With The Stars" indeed!

Vintage Beaver: The Camel Toe Song

2010-05-01T01:50:00.006-04:00

I give you, gentle readers, the cuntroversial yet ubiquitous radio classic, The Camel Toe Song.

Cheesy, tacky, tasteless, etc. All the makings of a great, if dated, classic parody. The Beach Boys are surely, albeit most likely secretly, proud of this incredibly popular send up of their hit song "Kokomo"! Full lyrics here, just in case you wanna sing along or practice for next week's retro karaoke extravaganza.

iPussy

2010-04-30T23:15:00.002-04:00

For your listening / viewing (?) pleasure.

Vintage Beaver: SNL's Woomba

2010-04-02T21:18:00.004-04:00

A classic SNL skit that clearly should have been among this blog's initial postings.

My sincerest apologies for the oversight and any further delay the annoying commercial preceding the clip may cause. Enjoy!

Golden Shower Girls

2010-03-25T22:17:00.002-04:00

Heaven: 6 Foot 11, Plus Camel Toe

2010-03-14T00:08:00.016-05:00

On this ridiculously rainy night here in NYC, I give you, gentle readers, the provocative and highly entertaining video for self-described super trany (sic) Heaven feat. Markaholic's dragtastic new hit "Heaven" (a/k/a "The Camel Toe Song").

As best I can tell, the catchy refrain goes a little something like this:

It's gonna be a while before I get my pussy/Cause my beats are so damn juicy/Just you wait till I get my fishie/Your tongue is gonna say it's so delicious.

Werq! So it appears Heaven does indeed come in the form of "6'11 Pure Heaven" tonight. Share the love by purchasing song on iTunes here, if you dare. Video directed by Benjamin Eck & Mike Kochansky for Realgirl Records.

Olympic Beaver

2010-03-07T19:16:00.009-05:00

A must have for every beaver enthusiast! I give you the official Always Enjoyable Giant Inflatable Beaver from the 21st Winter Olympiad in Vancouver, now for sale!

There's even a back story and a Facebook fan page.

This is particularly fitting since my beaver infatuation ackshully began in British Columbia during a Ski Bums ski trip to Whistler back in 2007.

My starter beaver, in a photo I call "Cuntemplative Beaver."

Olympic Moose Knuckles

2010-03-05T21:21:00.006-05:00

And the Gold medal goes to...

See the full Top 10 here. Lest anyone think the Beaver Lodge is biased, rest assured we are equal-opportunity offenders in every way, shape and form! Please make a note.

Alexyss K. Tylor Vagina Power

2010-03-05T20:55:00.004-05:00

Watch all hell break loose around the 1:30 mark. WERQ!

Coming Soon!

2010-01-28T21:36:00.007-05:00

The iPad 2.0 with patented Vaginal Firewall Protection.

Stay tuned! And WERQ!

Nice Beaver!

2009-12-11T08:41:00.009-05:00

A classic if ever there was one!

Beaver: The Other White Meat?

2009-11-23T20:29:00.028-05:00

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, maybe it's time to try something new this year by forgetting the traditional turkey and thinking outside (or inside?) the box for a change.

Apparently there are many exciting and tasty ways to trap and prepare your very own holiday semi-aquatic rodent, including Fried Beaver, Deep Fried Beaver, Beaver Stew and Country Style Beaver, as presented by CajunCookingRecipes.com.

[Ed. Note: Urban Style Beaver usually requires a nice dinner, lots of drinks and, in extreme (but legally discouraged) cases, a Roofie, before submitting itself for your dining pleasure. Results may vary.]

Sure, this is great news for turkeys, but nature's littlest architects are no doubt less than thrilled by the prospect of this hillbilly fad ever catching on.

Disclaimer: Vagenda's Beaver Lodge neither endorses nor condemns the act of feasting on beaver, regardless of the form said beaver may take (See previous post.)

Fresh Queefs

2009-10-25T11:55:00.007-04:00

Skip the tuna and go right for dessert with Linger: Internal Feminine Flavoring (aka "the intimate mint" or vaginal Tic Tacs).

While this may sound like a gift from Baby Jesus to a great many (straight) men, apparently this "novelty" candy may do more harm than good. Consumerist calls foul on the potential health risks of shoving the non-artificially sweetened treat up your kaslopis warning that "sugar in one's lady parts can lead to catastrophic yeast infections." Mother Jones ain't too keen on the idea either, labeling the slow-release snatch seasoning as the "curiously wrong mint" on its site recently. Don't worry, though, I'm sure the FDA is already on top of this momentous debate.

In the meantime, let's check in with the Cunnilingus Tutor for tips on Eating Pussy Like a Pro.

You know, just in case.

Beavers: Assholes of the Forest

2009-10-07T23:15:00.002-04:00

Here's a little bit of hump day etymological history for ya.

Who knew?

Beaver Carpets

2009-09-14T22:57:00.001-04:00

The punchline writes itself.

Dam Beavers Game

2009-09-09T20:00:00.007-04:00

I posted this cute word game a while back on the blog, but after playing a few rounds this evening, thought it was worth sharing again.

You can download it here.

Enjoy!

Beaver In Da News

2009-09-07T10:57:00.009-04:00

Sure, these stories are at best 5 or 6 months late, but for proper beaver blog archival integrity purposes, I feel they should be posted nonetheless. (Sorry for the delay, it's been a crazy summer!)

Can't beat a headline like this: Vaginas Are Having the Worst Week Ever!

The fun starts with Britney and cuntinues nonstop from there.

In a related story, vagina art is apparently sweeping the nation (or at least the internet, anyway). Here's a taste:

It's times like these that I wonder how someone like myself can one be so damn infatuated with something I find so utterly repulsive.

Boon Dickles Beaver House

2009-09-05T22:20:00.003-04:00

Yeah, even I'm a bit perplexed by the name of this party. Not that I don't love it, of course! Maybe it will all make sense once I actually drag myself out to Beauty Bar some Thursday night to check it out. Or maybe it has something to do with the always fabulously unusual Amanda Lepore hosting it?

Well, as anyone who currently lives in NYC or has visited recently knows, the nightlife pickins here ain't much to speak of anymore. So God bless Amanda and her posse for continuing to throw/host/attend parties like this to help keep the spirit alive.

Here are the particulars, via Facebook:

Hosts: amanda lepore, cazwell, tommy hotpants, dutch
Type: Party - Bar Night
Network: Global
Price: Free
Start Time: Thursdays @ 10pm
End Time: Fridays @ 4am
Location: Beauty Bar (14th Street btwn 2nd & 3rd Aves in NYC)

Description

How many bong hits did it take to come up with this party’s twisted name? Sexy DJs Tommy Hottpants and Zach, with Cazwell and Amanda Lepore and mile-high drag hostess Duch (the Duchess of Razzle Dazzle) transform the back lounge into a queer-friendly rock & roll dance party that attracts an intriguingly random mix of nightlifers, from freaks to jocks.

Breast wishes for a tremendous, labor-free holiday weekend!

Werq Dis [Beaver]

2009-06-22T06:47:00.008-04:00

Sweet Pussy Pauline vs 2 Live Crew, Junior Vasquez style!

WERQ!

Beavers Besiege Beantown

2009-06-19T21:49:00.005-04:00

First, in today's "Did you know?" news -- according to this rather hostile article in The New York Times entitled "Return of the Once-Rare Beaver? Not in My Yard," "There were tens and maybe hundreds of millions of beavers in North America before it was settled by Europeans." Who f'in knew?

Something about wetlands, flooding and Armageddon or something. Whatever. The poor beaver, just now finally making a long-awaited comeback here in the U.S. after years of exile, just can't catch a break. I think it's time for everyone to just take a deep breath, relax and show the beaver some love and respect. Damnit.

The Cuchini Pad

2009-05-20T00:15:00.000-04:00

I suppose it's understandable that there are certain situations when a slightly more modest woman might want to dress provocatively, yet not necessarily reveal every nuance of her unpredictably errant outer lady parts. So if subtly is your aim (as opposed to the eye-catching vaginal amplification offered by the ever-popular Camel Toe Cup), and errant lips your objective to tame, then The Cuchini Pad may be right up your alley (no pun) to assist in concealing any unintentional protruding shame.

You can even send one anonymously to an oblivious and/or offending friend, co-worker, family member or even a random acquaintance, intimate or otherwise.

Perhaps an homage to the 80s bad-girl group The Go-Go's and their quintessential rebellious rock anthem, The Cuchini Pad has adopted the slogan "Our Lips Our Sealed" and this androgynous, midly disturbing yet provocative cartoon camel mascot to help hock its expanding line of traditional unmentionables and more functional sub-terrainnian line of exotic undergarments.

Rest assured your secret "cheat-sheet" purchases will always be held in the strictest of confidence as outlined in Cuchini's solemn pledge posted on its website assuring absolute privacy and utmost discretion on behalf of each and every client.

Year of the Twaco

2009-04-03T03:11:00.005-04:00

I know. Stay tuned...

Paris Hilton: Prom Queen

2009-04-01T22:16:00.007-04:00

For when you want to let your prom date know you’re a sure thing … why not don this classy and yet affordable vagina gown?

I've heard of wearing your heart on your sleeve, but this is ridiculous!

Travel Pussy

2009-03-06T22:59:00.006-05:00

Courtesy of Michael Musto's Village Voice blog, I give you, my gentle jet-setting readers, the cheapest pussy 'round!

As Musto muses:

Yes, that's what it costs to get some pussy in a Munich men's room these days. Alas, you don't get a real one--no, I swear! "Kunstliche" turns out to mean "artificial," even though it actually sounds like...oh, never mind. So run to a German john and get yourself a fake pussy. Then jet off to Cuba and nab yourself a real one for 50 pesos...

Beaver Management

2009-03-05T16:06:00.008-05:00

In her NY Times column yesterday, Maureen Dowd channelled that crusty old twat John McCain and his odious, anti-eco attempt (via Twitter, no less!) to derail the beaver bandwagon and its Washington gravy train by berating/belittling this most important stimulus package proposal:

• $650,000 for beaver management in North Carolina and Mississippi.

Today, one of Andrew Sullivan's more informed and compassionate readers chimed in with some common sense in its defense:

I'd like to take a moment to point out that the so-called beaver management is a legitimate piece of infrastructure spending. I spent nearly a year with the Washington Conservation Corps, and this was one of our tasks. We all know that beavers are really good at two things: chewing down trees and building dams. Combined with the fact that many streams are rerouted to accommodate roads and drainage systems, ignoring these furry engineers will lead to logs falling all over the place, blocked drainage and washed out roads. Tearing out these dams and installing counter-measures known as "beaver deceivers" is a time and labor intensive project. I don't have to tell you that repairing flooded roads and homes is even more expensive.
Yes, I can understand that the state of Arizona doesn't have too many beavers swimming around, but it's not that difficult for Senator McCain to ask about.

Bravo!

Beaver Instinct

2009-02-16T02:38:00.016-05:00

Surely this would have been better than the actual sequel!

World's Largest Beaver

2009-01-28T22:40:00.009-05:00

No, it doesn't belong to Chelsea Handler or Madonna! (Speaking of which, Handler's book My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands is a must-read!)

According to its Facebook fan club page, this "magnificent Beaver Sculpture arrived at it's [sic] new home right along side [sic] Highway 43 in Beaverlodge, Alberta" on July 16th, 2004 to "bolster town spirits and encourage tourists to visit our pretty little town."

On the discussion board, various fans ponder the burning question, "What's your favorite memory of the beaver?" Neil recalls "driving by it for the first time and thinking 'holy shit': that's a big beav. Sweet Jesus, if there is another beaver as big as this, is definitely isn't as beautiful. Seriously.......that's a sweet beav." According to Mike, "Drivin by the big beaver watchin smaller beavers take pictures!!" gave him a woody (no pun).

A field trip to Beaverlodge is SO on the (v)agenda! Stay tuned for details.

Beaver Bambinos

2009-01-25T10:23:00.005-05:00

Ahhh! Now tell me this isn't just the most adorable thing in the world!

Relax In The Lip(s) Of Luxury

2009-01-18T21:40:00.007-05:00

You deserve it!

I dare you to find a better, more over-the-top conversation piece ... anywhere! Except maybe Craig's List, where this custom-built gem was first discovered. (Matching pink lecturn presumably sold separately.) For the truly daring, accessorize with a "fluffy pussy purse."

Dam Beaver Game

2009-01-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

More beaver games. Yay!

Build words to break down the dam. But watch out -- the sneaky little beaver up top has a few tricks of his own up his sleeve.

American Dad Celebrates Its 1000th Vagina Joke

2008-12-28T01:11:00.012-05:00

American Dad pays lip service to vaginas ({}) (click emoticon link at your own risk) everywhere in its February 2008 episode entitled Widowmaker.

Posted remotely with some gadget from somewhere in NYC

** Note from Asphyxia: We are also celebrating this blog's namesake's virgin cuntribution.

Beaver Buzz Energy Drink

2008-12-25T18:53:00.007-05:00

Move over Red Bull, there's a healthier, potentially more potent and beaver-friendly beverage catering to the terminally under-stimulated consumer hitting the market courtesy of our friends north of the border.

Offering a wide range of flavors, ranging from the typical citrus, berry and green tea varieties to the more exotic black currant and intriguing pink "chronic" and orange "core" energy options, Beaver Buzz is hitting the road in a gas-guzzling (albeit eye-catching) promotional Hummer and trailer to spread the Buzz across Canada and, presumably, eventually, points beyond.

In the meantime, visitors to its website can submit photos of themselves with a cool, refreshing Beaver Buzz drink "close in hand" and they'll be sure to post it. At first I thought it was a contest of some sort, but apparently it's just an interactive marketing ploy to connect with customers while garnering lots of free publicity.

That's not to say I won't be watching my local grocery shelves for the one of these colorful cans so that I can submit a photo of my own. Until then, those of us outside of Canada can order a fix online, and find out for ourselves if it's really as "Dam Good" as they say it is.

Bronx Beaver: Home for the Holidays

2008-12-24T20:12:00.001-05:00

"After a year-long hiatus, New York’s most famous beaver has come home," the fine folks at the Bronx Zoo proudly report. "José, the first wild beaver to return to the City in at least 200 years, is setting up a new lodge at the Bronx Zoo. He’s even chomped down his own Christmas tree."

Someday I simply must make the trek out there and see for myself, ya know, to compare lodges and stuff. Stay tuned.

Celebrity Toe

2008-12-23T19:18:00.002-05:00

Gossip site Scandalist celebrates the holidays with their very own novel year-end list: Top 25 Most Shocking Celebrity Camel Toe Moments Ever

(Madonna clocks in at #21.)

Sure, most of them aren't really that shocking (or even regulation toes, in a few instances). But Scandalist does deserve much thanks for bravely sharing a classic shot of Paris Hilton (#18) sporting her untamed toe in its natural red-carpeted Hollywood habitat. Any daring celebrities hoping to make next year's list might consider investing in one of these beauties, and take 2009 by storm!

Update: Now THIS is regulation celebrity toe! Werq!

Beaverwood School for Girls

2008-12-13T22:20:00.013-05:00

As both its website and logo so wryly boast, "Beaverwood is proud of its ethos - AIM HIGH."

Yes, it's a real school. A technology college, even. For girls. In the UK. Where none other than Aiming Higher Winehouse herself has been spotted on campus with her goddaughter. Scaring kids straight, no doubt, one Beaverwood student at a time.

Well, at least the kid can always use the airtight excuse, "my godmother smoked my homework," in the event of any missed assignments.

Beaver Pushes Kotex Down Under

2008-11-28T00:41:00.009-05:00

Yup, someone finally went there!

Television audiences in Sydney have been amused/horrified/indifferent while watching scenes of a carefree woman palling around town with a furry animated beaver while running errands, including stops at the beauty parlor, beach, and ...

... no doubt, her neighborhood chemist to take care of business, you know, down there.

Beavers Back In Britain

2008-11-21T19:29:00.006-05:00

"For the first time in 400 years, the beaver has returned to Great Britain," CNN reports.

"Four wild beaver families arrived at London's Heathrow airport Thursday night, the first step in an effort to reintroduce the mammals..." (See full article linked above.)

A wealth of information on beavers and the benevolent organization spearheading this ambitious project can be found here. Please consider making a donation to help support this most noble undertaking.

Beaver Blasphemy

2008-11-13T21:20:00.014-05:00

When Perez Hilton broke the news on his website last week that none other than Steve Carell may star in a movie called "The Beaver," currently in development and allegedly slated for release in 2011, you can imagine my excitement!

Then I read the Hollywood Reporter source article linked in the post, including this suspiciously familiar description of the impending project:

Anonymous Content recently picked up "The Beaver," a script from first-time writer Kyle Killen about a man who walks around with a beaver puppet on his hand, treating it as something close to a human creature with human feelings.

Um, surely this sounds more than a tiny bit familiar to any longtime (or even new) readers of this blog, right? My travel beaver (which, incidentally, mysteriously went missing down in New Orleans just a few days prior to this announcement) is, in fact, a finger puppet which I've been toting around -- to the amusement of some, the embarrassment of others -- to various locales around the country (and abroad) for several years now.

Here's a pic of the furry little fella in happier times:

After careful consideration, though, I've decided to refrain from making any accusations of plagiarism, infringement or other creative/intellectual impropriety. Instead, I'd like to lobby the producers and development team to utilize -- and perhaps even incorporate -- the vast content found here at Vagenda's Beaver Lodge to help make this film the Oscar-worthy blockbuster and inevitable worldwide phenomenon its subject semi-aquatic rodent star so richly deserves. (My influence may be vast, but thus far not entirely fruitful, ya know?)

Accordingly, please consider Asphyxia 8 and the entire beaver blog posse at your disposal.

UPDATE: New York mag has apparently seen a copy of the spec script, which it heralds, in part, as "one of the more elegantly fucked-up stories we've read in a long, long time." Further describing the screenplay as "dark and witty," the article reveals that at one point the lead character, Walter, claims he is under the care of a "prescription puppet," and "begins interacting with everyone exclusively through The Beaver, who is as chipper, positive, and loving as Walter has been depressed, miserable, and remote." Loves it!

UPDATE II: The Blacklist declares The Beaver 2008's Hottest Unproduced Screenplay. More on the surprising development here. Happy and all, but still scratching my head. I mean, WTF? Meanwhile, still no word from Anonymous Content.

Beaverabilia

2008-10-28T21:21:00.012-04:00

A friend who recently relocated to Vancouver, British Columbia relayed a story to me today about the very first steamship to plow the Pacific Ocean, the SS Beaver. Unfortunately, the ship ran aground and sunk in the late 1800s.

Since this occurred so close to shore, though, much was salvaged from the ship, the remnants of which are affectionately referred to as "Beaverabilia."

Then, in 1966, the Royal Canadian Navy requisitioned Hull #216, and designed and built a replica of the SS BEAVER which is now rented out for murder mystery parties, corporate events and even gay weddings!

Sarah Palin's Beaver Roundup

2008-10-14T00:10:00.004-04:00

Wow! This "deer in the headlights" sportscast is almost as painful to watch as those Katie Couric interview masterpieces. Luckily, you can catch Sarah's "Beaver Roundup" at 0:36 in this 1988 clip from Anchorage's KTUU-TV. Suffer through the entire 4 minutes, if you dare!

Bonus Link: Sarah Palin's Beaver Exposed!

Buck's Beaver

2008-10-13T22:11:00.011-04:00

If you're not yet familiar with Buck Angel -- the self-described "man with a pussy" and the world's first and only FTM transexual porn star -- fasten your strap-ons. It's going to be a bumpy read!

(Needless to say -- but just in case Sarah Palin or any of her brood or simple-minded supporters are reading this, I'll make it crystal caribou clear -- most links contained herein are absolutely, positively NSFW.)

Buck's first film, the 2006 AVN award-nominated Buck's Beaver.

As one of the world's most fascinating and/or freaky persons, depending on your perspective, Buck's story is like no other. As the "undisputed king of transgender porn," according to a June 17, 2008 Village Voice article by Michael Lavers, "Buck Angel thrives on his ability to deconstruct notions of masculinity."

Photo credit: David Hawe, Village Voice

Also referenced in the Voice article was Buck's headlining the Saint at Large's 2006 Black Party at Roseland with shocking performances that took one of NYC's most notorious bacchanals to a previously inconceivable new level of debauchery. No small feat, as anyone who's been to the annual event will surely attest. Buck also starred in Schwarzwald: The Movie You Can Dance To, inspired by the party and produced by the Saint at Large. Other film credits include V for Vagina and Buckback Mountain.

Quotable Quote: "It feels good to get fucked. I don't think getting my cunt fucked makes me any less of a man."
("Buck Naked," Village Voice, 4/22/03)

Disco Beaver

2008-10-11T13:18:00.003-04:00

Memories of Fire Island.

Ladies' Roller Derby

2008-09-24T23:16:00.010-04:00

It has just come to my attention that a local roller derby team, Jersey Shore Roller Girls, lists among its members a team captain who goes by the name of "Angry Beaver". The last (obvious) frontier?

There's also another team out of Redding, CA that affectionately calls itself "Angry Beavers". And yes, there's even one gal skating with the Houston Roller Derby who goes by the daring name of "Angry Camel Toe". My personal favorite, however, is the "Special Vixens Unit (click for video)."

Who f 'n knew? Me thinks I see a live roller derby excursion sometime in the near future.

Spare Some Change?

2008-08-31T05:43:00.014-04:00

Ain't no one gonna mess with you at the local laundromat (or anywhere, for that matter) when you whip out this classic, limited edition change ~~puss~~ purse and drop the coins on the counter!

As versatile as it is offensive! I challenge anyone to dare not bask in the synthetic glory of such a marvelous, utilitarian and anatomically innovative plastic monetary masterpiece.

My Puss

2008-08-27T23:01:00.012-04:00

MORE PUSS, LESS BEAVER

Margaret Cho gives good Lip Service as she raps in her latest video: My Puss, Filet Mignon. Your Puss, a Double Coupon!

Beavers Score w/ Obama Connection

2008-08-26T10:36:00.005-04:00

Live from the headlines of the Democratic National Convention last night in Denver! Full story here.

Muppet Beaver

2008-08-09T11:17:00.004-04:00

This little fellow may not have gotten much airtime on the original series, but the semi-aquatic rodent community was at least well represented.

And he's even got his own Wiki page!

Barry the Beaver Vibrating Vinyl Friend

2008-08-02T20:06:00.008-04:00

Just when you thought you've seen everything.

Barry's a discreet 5.25 inches tall, according to the website, and "starts buzzing with a turn of the tree stump base. It also features a handy bendy tail." Holy Dental Dams, Batman! Now, one has to wonder -- will Barry be destined to eternal hibernation at the bottom of some cardboard novelty gift grave, or will his battery-powered buckteeth actually get to munch away at another sort of box instead? Inquring/twisted minds need to know!

Liquid Virgin

2008-07-19T02:09:00.002-04:00

Touched for the very first time. Or so he'll think, anyway! It'll just be our tight, little secret, mmmkay?

Facebook's Orgy of Beaver

2008-06-26T20:02:00.011-04:00

Beaver Book Trade

Toronto's Beaver Cafe

Crazy Beaver T-Shirts

I Drink Because I'm From Beaver County

Buzzed Beaver

This Little Beaver Went to the Bank

Beaver Nation Sports & Athletics

Boring Beaver

2008-06-14T22:02:00.002-04:00

Yes, even the London School of Economics celebrates the beaver in all it's scholastic mascot glory. The school's drab-looking student newspaper is even called The Beaver. Who bloody f'n knew?

Beaver Bulletin

2008-06-14T10:59:00.001-04:00

As if these little guys don't have enough on their plates already, now some self-righteous anti-smoking campaign has co-opted the beaver's revered, industrious and health-conscious image to pass judgment with a PSA that recklessly condemns and informs smokers everywhere!

By encouraging people to spam everyone they know with so-called "log blogs," this public watch~~dog~~beaver group apparently hopes to scare smokers into quitting their demon sticks by spreading the truth about this most nasty of habits. While the gesture is noble, surely such preaching/policing falls more squarely under Smokey the Bear's jurisdiction, no?

Lazy Beaver Bling

2008-06-13T23:30:00.000-04:00

Even the most eager beavers need a break from all that wood chomping once in a while. So let this gold-plated Fendi chainsaw do all the work for you and help build the dopest lodge in da 'hood in a fraction of the time. Accessorize with companion gold tooth for maximum pond cred and you'll be up to the tips of your whiskers in hot semi-aquatic rodent action this mating season.

The #1 Cause of Death Among Beavers

2008-06-09T19:45:00.002-04:00

Who f'n knew?

Canadians for Obama

2008-06-09T19:42:00.002-04:00

Canadians for Obama

While not able to vote, lawful permanent residents can contribute and participate in the electoral process, using their collective voice to influence an election that deeply affects not only the country in which they reside, but the one from which they came.

The Big Beaver Co.

2008-05-16T22:04:00.005-04:00

Another great gem from our good friends to the north. Live life large, eh?

Come celebrate National Beaver Day on the last Friday in February in Lombardy, Ontario, Canada.

Beaver Gas

2008-05-16T22:00:00.004-04:00

Beaver works HARD! Locations throughout Canada and beyond. Stop by and fuel up today.

Contemplative Beaver

2008-05-01T20:46:00.004-04:00

Beaver on break after skiing the slopes at Whistler resort, just north of Vancouver, Canada, circa March 2007.

Birthday Beaver Bonanza

2008-04-26T18:35:00.013-04:00

Always looking for new and unusual ways to celebrate my birthday, I paid a visit to one of New York's finest strip joints last night, Larry Flynt's Hustler Club. The evening started out innocently enough with a group of friends at Vlada Lounge in Hell's Kitchen for Happy Hour, but only a few of them were brave and/or adventurous enough to join me for the next stop.

After a short stroll towards the Hudson River, we finally reached our destination at the corner of 51st St & the West Side Hwy. Due to a wee bit of door drama, our group of 5 dwindled to 3, and in we went. Not surprisingly, the place was pretty quiet at 8:30pm, so we headed right up to their fabulous rooftop deck to enjoy the beautiful spring night with a few more celebratory drinks. Our adorably cute and super sweet waitress, Janice, sat with us for a while and shared lots of fascinating stuff. Apparently we weren't the first group of gay men to stop by the club. In fact, she said it's actually quite common. Who knew?

By the time we headed back down to the main floor, the place had filled up a bit and the girls were on stage and working the room. It wasn't long before a beautiful young lady approached us and soon talked me into a lap dance. When we told her we were gay, she was like, "Yeah, I kinda figured that out when you asked about my outfit." (How could we not? She was sporting a fierce little suede leopard-print bikini and swimsuit season is just around the corner!) I have to admit, it was quite a sensual and erotic experience, even if my admiration of the female form is completely platonic. A second lap dance followed later, despite my polite objections, with another lovely young lady, before we decided to call it a night.

All in all, I have to say I was quite impressed with how professionally run this outfit is (w/lots of rules, like no hats, zippered outerwear -- apparently people try to sneak out w/bottles of unfinished liquor they've purchased, etc.), it wasn't sleazy in the least (for a strip club, that is), and everyone we met was a lot of fun and so nice. I doubt I'll become a regular, mind you, but I think future visits are definitely in order. If you wanna check the place out for yourself, print out a coupon from the website for free admission to avoid the $20 cover. Enjoy!

A-8

Beaver in Paradise

2008-04-26T17:57:00.006-04:00

In the spirit of the traveling gnome, this little stuffed beaver travels with me everywhere and has been photographed in numerous exotic (and not-so-exotic) locales, including this one which was snapped last summer on the balcony @ my former summer bayside share in fabulous Fire Island Pines, New York.

A-8

Papal Visit Saves City Beaver

2008-04-21T22:22:00.006-04:00

No explosives found in East River sweep, but rare, floundering 40-pound beaver rescued.

High Society Beaver

2008-04-15T22:30:00.005-04:00

Click here for more on this 1904 Astor Place plaque commemorating John Jacob Astor and the dubious fortune he made in the trade of precious beaver pelts.

Beaveropoly

2008-04-09T07:20:00.002-04:00

I'm guessing this game might not be quite as much fun for anyone who's not spent time on the Oregon State University campus. Nevertheless, this is surely a must-have item for any and all true beaver enthusiasts/collectors. (Not to be confused with the ghetto-fabulous, non-PC and widely banned Ghettopoly, of course.) Student or not, check out OSU's bookshop for all sorts of fun beaver-related merchandise!

Clitter - Social Networking for your Beaver

2008-04-03T14:51:00.004-04:00

BeaverQuest! The Musical

2008-03-30T20:55:00.008-04:00

For our West Coast readers, don't miss this Sacred Fools Theater Company's production now through May 3, 2008 (Fri-Sun).
A Beaver. A Bunny. A Love Story.

Benjamin Beaver, Log Retriever

2008-03-29T22:30:00.008-04:00

Similar to Frogger, help adorable little Benjamin Beaver to safely navigate himself across the pond to the opposite shore where he'll gather logs to bring back home to help build his dam. Watch out for fishermen, speedboats and other obstacles, and keep your eye on the clock. Good luck, and Godspeed!

For The Lady Who Has Everything

2008-03-29T14:19:00.017-04:00

The above item speaks for itself. But for those looking to minimize rather than maximize, consider the Camel Toe Protector (coming soon!).

Having trouble finding the right gift for Mother's Day? Girlfriend been sporting a bit too much toe lately? Secretary offending clients or co-workers with gratuitous crotch cleavage? Then the Camel Toe Protector (patent pending) may be your salvation. The perfect gift for any occasion -- Senior Prom, Arbor Day, Kwanza, Hillary Clinton's Inauguration -- what woman wouldn't appreciate the protection this thoughtful prosthetic device provides? How do you think Madonna achieved such a flawless and confident toe-free look while working those notoriously revealing leotards in her "Hung Up" and "Sorry" videos? Sure, flaunting those lower lips can give a gal the edge in certain situations, and Vagenda's Beaver Lodge applauds a woman's right to choose. But for more discreet dames who'd rather keep the beef curtains under wraps and hidden from probing paparazzi or any other unintended audiences, the Camel Toe Protector is one accoutrement you won't want to leave home without.

Prodigal Beaver

2008-03-29T13:52:00.005-04:00

Highbrow Beaver in the New Yorker

Beaver Blowout

2008-03-29T02:00:00.006-04:00

From the Beaver Dam to Betty Ford . . .

Signs 'O the Beaver

2008-03-29T01:47:00.004-04:00

Beaver is the new Black!

2008-03-29T01:44:00.002-04:00

Spread the word.

A-8

2008-03-27T23:04:00.001-04:00

Camel Toe

Snack--a-teria!

2008-03-27T22:59:00.000-04:00

How about some Trouser Gravy?

It's more than Beaverific!

2008-03-26T08:13:00.003-04:00

YEAH! BRAVO!! Its about time Vagenda & Asphyxia 8 got together their talents and put them on a website. There has been a void in the internet that has now been filled. Its Beaverific! Some say "How can this be done?". In their capable hands, I see a plethora of information on both the Beaver (not Jerry Mathers) and anything Beaver related (pussy, camel toe,ect...) at our fingertips. This is something to mark down on the calendar! I want to wish all involved with this exciting new site all my best champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Just remember Beaver Dam,WI is just a short ride from Chicago!
Tony "CoCo" Chiapet
Midwest Correspondent,Chicago Office.

You Give Me Beaver

2008-03-16T23:10:00.008-04:00

Catch the legendary Jackie Beat's provocative take on Peggy Lee's classic song at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdEKrzcUd9I.

Breakfast of Champions

2008-03-16T22:44:00.001-04:00

Bionic T.W.A.T.

2008-03-16T22:32:00.003-04:00

What happens when Knight Rider and The Bionic Woman merge to tackle The War Against Terror (T.W.A.T.)? Find out by following one woman's epic saga at BionicTWAT.com.

Asphyxia 8

Welcome to Vagenda's Beaver Lodge

2008-03-16T21:04:00.004-04:00

We hope you'll find Vagenda's Beaver Lodge* stimulating, fascinating and at times even educational. So stay tuned to this beaver blog -- same beaver time, same beaver channel -- for your one-stop multi-purpose beaver bonanza.

Asphyxia 8

* Sponsored by Akbar's Camel Toe Rotisserie, Bait Shack & Off-Shore Tax Shelters™

Vagenda's Beaver Lodge

A Plethora of Pussy, Worked and/or Otherwise

B.C. Beaver Love

Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Beaver

Word of the Day: Twerk

Beaver Pirate Sentenced to "Copyright School"

Santa Ate My Pussy -- Vagina Awareness PSA!

Underground Beavers

The Smoking Beaver

Camel Toe Implants

Small start-up cashes in on Camel Toe fad

Justin Beaver

Beaver Break

World's Largest Beaver Dam Discovered!

Vintage Beaver: The Camel Toe Song

iPussy

Vintage Beaver: SNL's Woomba

Golden Shower Girls

Heaven: 6 Foot 11, Plus Camel Toe

Olympic Beaver

Olympic Moose Knuckles

Alexyss K. Tylor Vagina Power

Coming Soon!

Nice Beaver!

Beaver: The Other White Meat?

Fresh Queefs

Beavers: Assholes of the Forest

Beaver Carpets

Dam Beavers Game

Beaver In Da News

Boon Dickles Beaver House

Werq Dis [Beaver]

Beavers Besiege Beantown

The Cuchini Pad

Year of the Twaco

Paris Hilton: Prom Queen

Travel Pussy

Beaver Management

Beaver Instinct

World's Largest Beaver

Beaver Bambinos

Relax In The Lip(s) Of Luxury

Dam Beaver Game

American Dad Celebrates Its 1000th Vagina Joke

Beaver Buzz Energy Drink

Bronx Beaver: Home for the Holidays

Celebrity Toe

Beaverwood School for Girls

Beaver Pushes Kotex Down Under

Beavers Back In Britain

Beaver Blasphemy

Beaverabilia

Sarah Palin's Beaver Roundup

Buck's Beaver

Disco Beaver

Ladies' Roller Derby

Spare Some Change?

My Puss

Beavers Score w/ Obama Connection

Muppet Beaver

Barry the Beaver Vibrating Vinyl Friend

Liquid Virgin

Facebook's Orgy of Beaver

Boring Beaver

Beaver Bulletin

Lazy Beaver Bling

The #1 Cause of Death Among Beavers

Canadians for Obama

The Big Beaver Co.

Beaver Gas

Contemplative Beaver

Birthday Beaver Bonanza

Beaver in Paradise

Papal Visit Saves City Beaver

High Society Beaver

Beaveropoly

Clitter - Social Networking for your Beaver

BeaverQuest! The Musical

Benjamin Beaver, Log Retriever

For The Lady Who Has Everything

Small start-up cashes in on
Camel Toe fad